I distinctly remember the moment I heard this nuclear statement for the first time. I was sitting in the Pleasure Course. We were in the middle of Day 2- which focuses on Masculine/Feminine dynamics.
Erwan said it. First, there was a murmur of agreement among the women in the room. Then, one of the men asked what he meant. Erwan said, “She wants the lobster but orders the chicken”.
It was one of the many moments in The Pleasure Course when I felt SO seen. A massive subtlety in my inner life had been revealed. Massive subtlety! Something so underground, yet driving my relationships with men. It was the fact that, in my own experience and that of many other women as I have heard, what we ask for often does not match what we actually want.
Case in point. When Erwan and I starting talking seriously about getting engaged, I started tripping about THE RING! I wanted one. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted it to be meaningful. But I didn’t want to be typical. I didn’t want to be bamboozled by a jeweler and pay way too much. I was terrified. I didn’t know what I wanted it to look like. I didn’t know how to get it. I knew it was potentially a big purchase. I wanted Erwan to just get one, but I wanted to make sure I would like it. I was scared to put the task and the cost on him. Scared I wanted too much and was asking too much. All of these swirling concerns and desires!
So what did I do? I said casually, “Hey, FYI, I’ll just pick out my ring real quick so you don’t have to do it and I can get the one I want” No context. Just said that. Figured, take it off his plate.
I remember Erwan saying….”Are you sure?” And me saying, “Of course! Why should we go that traditional route of hunting at jewelry stores, etc? Let’s make this easy!” I still remember the look on his face….kinda like, “You are being wacky, but let’s see how this plays out.”.
The next week, I got a friend of mine to go with me to the Design Center and she walked me into the jewelry area. As we walked in, I felt sick to my stomach. NO part of me wanted to go and pick out my own ring. I WANTED HIM TO PICK IT OUT AND SURPRISE ME WITH IT. Picking out my own ring felt like so not what I wanted (*this is not to say it is wrong for others. It was that it clearly was not what I wanted for myself). I said, “Let’s get out of here, I can’t do this”. She smiled and gave me a look like, “I knew it.”.
I went home and said something to Erwan like, “Well, it turns out I couldn’t deal with picking out my own ring, but maybe we can figure something else out together to find something beautiful and meaningful.” – (THIS WAS ME, ORDERING SHORT).
I was up against my own self doubt and questions of my own worthiness. Am I worth it? Am I too much? Can I actually have what I want? Will there be consequences to going all out and voicing what I want? Will I still be loved? This is a huge and common issue for many women in life and in relationship. Can we ask for all of it? And can we receive it when it comes our way?
Luckily, Erwan was clued into the fact that I was indeed ordering short. What I was asking for was way different than what I actually wanted. And luckily, he was working behind the scenes arranging for us to pick up his grandmother’s engagement ring at JFK Airport from his dad on the way to Tulum, our vacation spot where he planned to propose. He knew what I wanted because he knew to take my stated desire and take it steps further
I still remember the feeling when I saw that box holding the ring when he proposed. He knew it all along! I felt seen and paid attention to on such a deep level. He overdelivered
So the key for men becomes REMEMBERING that women tend to order short, and learning to decipher what she wants from what she says she wants and to overdeliver. THAT is the way (or, one of the ways!) to a woman’s heart
Of course, a huge part of our work as women is identifying what we really want, and tapping into the willingness and ability to say it! Clueing him into the entirety of our desires, not just partial elements of it!
This is NOT to say that EVERY TIME, a woman is ordering short. This is NOT to say that women don’t know what they want. This is more pointing out a tendency we have as women, bringing light to it, and illustrating some ways to overcome that.
We created a free evening class on this very topic- happening next Wednesday evening 9/9. It is called “The Female Decoder Ring- how men can get hipped up to what women want and how women can tell them!” We will be covering:
How to “read” a woman and what to do if you are unsure of what she wants
Why women “test”, and how to handle testing for failure vs testing for success
How to communicate with men so he really “gets” what you want from him, and how to have him feel great about giving it to you!
How to get what you want from the opposite sex, from a masculine and feminine perspective
I adore this topic and learning how to ask for what I want in relationship has been an ongoing journey- Erwan and I are so excited to share our journey with you next week- join us!