17 years ago I discovered the true source of a woman’s attractiveness.

In my experience, women are inherently interested in being attractive.

But here is the thing. I am not talking just physical beauty here.

What I am saying is that in a romantic context, while a woman should absolutely be celebrated for not only her beauty but her brains, her emotional intelligence, her depth and anything else that shines forth from her, my experience is it is very important to a woman to have an attractive force. To be able to call in what she most deeply desires. To inspire the romantic partner/s in her life to pay attention and give her what she wants. The biggest frustrations I hear working with women are around not being able to manifest what she wants in a romantic relationship. The challenges include not being clear on what she wants, or knowing what but not knowing how to communicate it, not feeling worthy, not knowing how to deal with the resistance she might be met with, and the self-doubt that creeps in around this whole topic.

At or near the top of most women’s want lists is attention. Attention comes in many forms. Intimate, sexual and sensual being the most coveted. We want to be noticed, seen, and desired.

I have basically been obsessed with this topic my whole life since I got interested in boys (5th grade so for 30 years!). How do I get the person I like to notice me and give me what I want?

2/3 of the way through my Master’s Program in Integral Psychology in 2003 it was time to think about my thesis. Getting a Master’s degree in Psychology is basically the coolest thing ever, because all the papers I ever wrote related directly to my own personal growth process and what I was learning about myself as it related to whatever topic we were covering. So for my Master’s thesis, I decided to research and discover the true source of attractiveness in a woman. What causes a man (or another woman in some cases) to actually turn her way and pay attention and give her what she wants?

The results from all of my research were exciting. My research pointed to 2 key elements that ignite a woman’s TRUE attractiveness. And, as I suspected, a woman’s TRUE attractiveness has very little to do with her body shape or size, her age or even personality characteristics.

#1 A woman that is present, “here”, aware of her spirit, her beingness, her soul. A woman that is inhabiting herself at the deepest level is inherently attractive. But that is not all.

#2 A woman that is IN her body, and specifically, in her sensual body, her turn-on, related to her genital area as the most intimate deepest part of her, who is “right” with her sexuality, her desire for pleasure, in a way where it glows and shines out of her, emanating for the people she wants to see her, THAT is devastatingly attractive. There is a life force, the sensual chemistry, that a woman biologically carries in her body, that when liberated, is the strongest source of power for a woman. It includes presence and awareness and her soul and is grounded in the body, in her sex. That body-awareness and sensual connection can be taken all the way to having extended states of pleasure and orgasm.

As I took this truth in, I began to see evidence of it all around me. In particular, each time I would lead The Sensuality Expansion Program, our program devoted to teaching the art of giving and receiving Extended Orgasm, I would watch all the women, who were all beautiful, to begin with, go through the experience of getting back in touch with her desires, her turn on, her capacity for pleasure. And as these emerged from the course, it would be hard to take my eyes off them in conversation. The radiance emanating from each of them was stunning. Each and every one. Nothing had changed about any of their shape or color or size. Each woman was simply who she was, free of the blockages to her femininity, her desire, and her sensual expression. Glowing.

And wow, the power that comes from a woman that has unleashed her life force energy!

One woman, M, got in touch with the fact that she did indeed want marriage and kids and to be supported for the first years of her children’s life after trying to do it all on her own, start her own school (which wasn’t working out because it was a should, not a desire), be independent and pretend she didn’t want what she wanted. Speaking this desire gave her now husband an opportunity to show up for her and deliver. And she got that wedding and those kids and now that her kids are older, she is successfully opening her own school.

Another woman, N, called up the guy that had been wishy washy on committing to the relationship with her and said, “this is what I want, I want you and me, together, for real”. And he literally said yes with no resistance after months of hemming and hawing.

Yet another woman, M, effortlessly and in 5 minutes convinced her husband to postpone the kitchen remodel and instead go on a tropical vacation course she had been wanting to go on (which had previously been a “discussion topic” that never really resolved because he had resistance and she would shut down).

Then there was A, who walked into the Sensuality Expansion Program hoping to “love herself enough to lose 20 lbs”. I remember one of the final sessions when she, her husband, Erwan and I were talking, and I literally could not take my eyes off her and her radiance. Through learning to release into high states of bodily pleasure, she fell in love with her body exactly as it was and her attractiveness jumped to a whole other level.

And finally another woman, W, found the confidence to let go of the relationship she was in (that was clearly not aligned with her desires for the relationship) and free herself to go on to meet someone that was a much better match for her, ending months of drama and dissatisfaction.

What did these women all have in common?? Extended Orgasm! The deeply gratifying clitoral stroking practice of (in a woman’s case) receiving pleasure and experiencing extended states of pleasure in her body. This practice, which can be done with or without a partner, checks off all the boxes. Soul connection to herself. Presence and body awareness. Mind blowing bodily pleasure and release. Inhabiting the genitals and the sex center. Irresistible attractiveness, the real thing. Bliss!