We left off at that remarkable moment when Erwan blew my mind with his on-point response to my mixed messages during our initial courting phase (see link https://tinyurl.com/rj2p2tm )
So I called him the very next week. We talked about our experience at the retreat (everything except the fact that we were flirting…I was avoiding the topic and pretending it didn’t happen). There was a fun back and forth, some playful teasing and laughing and the chemistry was building. I remember sitting in my room in Berkeley looking out the window and noticing the sun shining into my window and feeling light and buzzy.
And then, at an obvious time to do so, Erwan said, “This was really fun. Would you like to meet up sometime this week?”
And, true to my (then) form, I said, “Uh, I don’t know”
Erwan said, You’re funny. What is your concern?
I said, “Uh, well, I don’t know”.
Then he said, “It’s hard for you to say how you feel. I imagine that can feel lonely sometimes.”
I felt my mood drop like a stone. I felt seen and also embarrassed and horrified because it was true.
Then he said, “Now we are going down”.
Me (what! How does he know what my experience is right now?”)
Me: Silence
Him: “Well, when you are ready, call me” Hangs up.
Me
And I did call him again the next week.
This “business” went on for a couple months (!) I thought playing mysterious/hard to get was eventually going to work. It was just working less and less. And, at the same time, I could feel Erwan getting closer to me and who I was. Which felt all at once terrifying and incredibly compelling. Erwan was being with me and expressing his interest yet didn’t need anything from me and was reflecting back how I was coming across. This was a huge relief for me to be seen as well as completely uncomfortable and unbelievable that a guy would have the cajones to keep telling the truth in the face of the mounting chemistry and mixed messages. I had never experienced that before.